Mixed Feelings

#paranoid
#worried
#overworrying
#okayfineworryingtoomuch
#disappointed
#heartbroken
#lost
#movingontowhere
#unknownfuture
#wherethoumyprincecharminginshiningarmour
#concerningaboutyou
#caringforyoutoo
#whereamiplacingmyself
#amireallyapushover
#actuallyimstrong
#iamindependent
#butjustwantprincecharming
#justfriendsormorethanfriends
#amimakingyouseeallyourweakness
#thankgodivegotfriendstotalkto
#collegueturnfriendftw
#butsomejustremainascollegues
#idontopenupsoeasily
#takestime
#lotsoftimeactually
#itsnottrustissues
#itscomfortableissues
#okaytoomuchfeels
#goodnight

Obliged

I no longer want to give in anymore effort to be rubbing like a rock with you until we turn into diamonds. Spending too much efforts and emotions into this that it seems useless no matter what I do. You and your strange idea you have of a family. Honestly if you feel so obliged then why make the trouble to agree?

On the other hand, I should take the courage of submitted my desire to God. Well, don't I want to know the answer? But then again if it's the answer that I don't wish to get......?

Good night hazy night.

Values

Everyone lives by a certain code of values they have gotten and in-built since young or through past experiences they've been through. Here are mine:

1. Trust and Obey

Not referring to everyone but referring to the one and only Heavenly Father. Trust onto him and He will guide me throughout my life. 

2. Have courage, take Faith

Rather similar to the first one, take the step of courage to continue keeping that faith in Him, through good time and especially through bad times. 

3. Never stay angry with anyone past mid-night (不可含怒到日落）

I am just unable to sleep if I've yet to make peace with myself regarding something or someone that's I'm angry with. Best to make peace even with the person involved or at least with self to sleep without and negative emotions, and make peace with the person the next available chance.

4. Always give people the benefit of doubt

Many things are not the way it seems, there's always a part of the story that I won't know. And If theres anything I'm not sure about, ask, never assume. If unable to ask, give the benefit of doubt. 

5. Never judge

For we are sinners ourselves, what right do we have to judge others? Even if anyone have done anything bad against us known or unknown, continue doing what is right in the eyes of the Lord. He will seek justice on my behalf and make right my reputation in time. So that I would not have done anything wrong, and the bad party would have to live in guilt of the wrong they have done against/towards me. 

6. Rather to keep peace than make right myself

Forgiving some one doesn't mean that I am admitting that I'm wrong, but it's to let myself be at peace. What's so good about making myself right than keeping the relation healthy? Not in the sense of bottling up myself about unhappy things and not express any negative emotions, but it's more because I value the relation more than I value my ego.

7. Pull myself out of emotions filled situations

Adding on to the previous "value", I'll always try to pull myself out of the heated emotional situation and not give any emotion-driven response to prevent any situation where hurtful response is given. Calm myself down first and approach the situation when all parties involved have returned to their sound mind and voice out any disagreements maturely.

8. Do not do onto others what you do not want others to do onto you

A very simple logic, never do what you won't like to receive. Both as a service provider, and a human. 

9. Do not question why others don't change, but question why not me first?

It's always the question why me. But then, why not the question, "Why not me?". Don't live such a self-centred life.

10. Love others, like how I've been loved by my Heavenly Father. 

What better response to the Love I've received than live it out onto others too, so they will experience a glimpse of how great the greatest Love of all will be.

Ten values that I live by, very much religion influenced. But past experiences have proven me so to.

How Much is Too Much?

Things have not been going very smoothly and here are some question that I've been thinking about lately.

How much is considered giving myself too much to others? Both work and personal aspect. The time and effort I give in, is it even worth it? It's a difficult question to answer and I've yet to get a solid conclusion about it. But what I've learned is that once giving no longer comes with willingness, it's time to reconsider the reason for giving and why have I become so unwilling.

Also thinking about my own character, which is also largely self explanatory from my Chinese name, that's the reason why I would again and again despite being under appreciated or brush off, I still give my care and concern, time and effort. I'll almost never stop giving excuses for others to myself for the misbehaviour they have towards me. Maybe this is what God means of loving those unlovable ones.

Yes, it's definitely not easy. But with the love I have already experienced and experiencing everyday from God, I feel that I should give it the same as how He have given unto me. Following by a reminder from a friend that keeps me going on now:

「愛是恆久忍耐，又有恩慈；愛是不忌妒；愛是不自誇，不張狂，不做害羞的事，不求自己的益處，不輕易發怒，不計算人的惡，不喜歡不義，只喜歡真理；凡事包容，凡事相信，凡事盼望，凡事忍耐。

如今常存的有信，有望，有愛這三樣，其中最大的是愛」

哥林多前書 13: 4-7，13

因為我是純愛，給予的愛也該如此。

Pride

Human pride is the source of all downfall.

Prideful even towards the God who gave you your very life. Who seeks nothing more from you that to have a close relation with you. Yet your pride had to come in the way of His great love for you. Such lonely human, so deprived of love, yet still holding a strong front as if nothing's wrong.

Pride made you build walls around yourself, not willing to let anyone see your weakness or your past mistakes. Like a porcupine, fending off everyone even those who are genuine to you, who wants to help you out of your darkness.

Doesn't matter if your darkness is too much for another to handle. What matters is you're not facing it alone. Why can't you just let your pride down and let people in to help you, or at least let God's love fill you.

Pride. It's all that you've got. Pointless energy spent on building that.

It's not helping at all

You and your warped minded thinking will get you no where better on your human relations skills. Your replies are still full of "I", "I'm sure", "Pretty sure to me". What you going to get from me is nothing in return. It'll just make me build up more walls against you. It's not helping at all.

Things have not been going pretty smooth for me as expected. Ever since the blind courage of me that made that prayer and gotten my answer right the next day. It scares me. Your replies are making it harder for everything to carry on. I don't know what to do with you any more.

And extra work load came just at the right time, the month end when I have the most things to handle. This is horrible. A very bad day indeed today.

Rekindle

The biannual church camp is over in a flash and I've gain a little bit more experience of how the camp is being run. Never will there be any one camp that goes exactly accordingly as planned. Various factor affecting to last minute changes and we have to make things go with the flow and keep every one happy.

So much decision and pre-planning involved. Thought I'm just in the advance party, but still it's little steps to being involved more. Sign-on Camp Committee that what some say of me. But why not? Thanks to the huge gap of lost members between us and the slightly younger older adults, we are forced to slowly take up more and more responsibilities.

Well, everything is in God's time. Now I know why it happened.

On a lighter note, definitely enjoyed the camp with my batch mates. Not so much time spent with the family cause I was committed to the camp instead of family. Sorry my dearest beautiful sister who thought she could have more time with me. But you know, your adorable younger sister is a sign-on camp committee. Ha!